Never again! Ever! I want to cry just thinking about the pain I was in.
This is the tale of yet another time I made a fool of myself.
I set off with my mother running like a pro with her telling me to slow down. Thing is, if I slow anymore my shins start to hurt because I have to shorten my stride. I was going good. I looked okay and wasn’t doing my usual conducting an orchestra thing with my hands.
Then it hit me.
The burning in my throat that causes the permanent taste of blood and just as I was resigning myself to the fact that I was becoming part vampire, I saw them.
Them, was people I knew. A girl in my year and her boyfriend. It was okay, at this point I am still going strong and not letting the blood taste hinder my “running”. I run past to whoops and shouts of “Go Tabby!”, to which I reply “Shut up I can’t run!”
To clarify, I look like a dying walrus combined with a goat that has been smeared in tomato juice.
Still I am doing okay (I’ve been running for 5 minutes, this is good for me) and then I see some more people I know. My friend Tom and then across the road, two boys that I go to drama with.
At this point, I can barely breathe, convincing myself I am actually asthmatic (either that or I was actually born to live in the sea and have missed my calling as a clown fish) and flailing around like a porpoise (do porpoises flail?).
Anyway I continue on at a respectable rate until none of the people can see me.
Fuck it. Imma walk the rest.
Yeah so my mother being all showy with her “map my run” and her music and her running shoes carries on running whilst I, convinced I am dying by internal suffocation (is that a thing? that’s what it felt like), walk the shortest easiest way home. Over a wall, through a field and collapse on the kitchen floor.
I should have realised that after not running at all for two years and skipping PE for the last 3 months, I would not be in peak physical condition.
I cannot run. It is your duty as fellow humans (or animals or aliens) to warn me about my incapability next time I have even the faintest notion of “running”.
All in all, it was a painful, embarrassing experience that I do not wish to repeat. Ever.
If you take anything from this, anything at all, be it that physical exercise is bad for you. Do not under any circumstances partake in anything similar to this malarkey called “running”.