It’s quite late when I’m writing this and I tend to write stuff at night. I think I missed my calling as an owl or something.
Online, outside, everywhere there’s people. People who I wish I was and people who I wish didn’t exist. I feel so trapped in my little bubble armed with only my mind and a laptop. It’s not even a very good laptop.
I am trapped and my bubble is getting smaller. People attack from all sides and I can’t defend my bubble. Soon it’s going to pop and the outside world will be let in. Protect my bubble. Wrap it up and keep it safe. Lock it away and hide it in a cupboard. I’m scared of what might happen if my bubble pops. My insecurities will be revealed to the world. I hate myself. The things I do, the things I say; the person I am. I want to be thinner, prettier, smarter, better. I want to be happier.
I’m locked away in my bubble and I control what goes in and out. I only let the online world in. It’s the place where you can be whoever you want. I let the online world in but I never show myself. I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough to write or sing or dance or act. All the things I want to do, I don’t feel I’m good enough. If I try and fail then what’s the point? Only humiliation and embarrassment await me. I want to feel worthy enough and happy enough to be me. Instead I hide away and don’t talk to anyone. I want to feel like I can do anything but I just feel like I’m not very good at anything. I can do everything to the same standard but I can’t excel at anything. I want to travel and act and go for auditions but I don’t feel I can ask for anything because I’m not good enough. I am not worthy of anything more. So I’m stuck. Stuck in my bubble; held back by myself and pushed back by the rest of the world.
I just wish I could be more confident in myself but I can’t because I’m not good enough.
Well this was depressing…